If These Walls Could Talk

My computer is still being held hostage by Geek Squad. It needs a new motherboard, hard drive and something else, I think.

But I want to stay consistent with my blogging, so I’ll be forced to get thumb cramps.

The reason I gave this post the title it has is because sometimes we never know the secrets people have.

I use the word ’secret’ loosely. Normally that word has a negative connotation, but I guess the better phrase would be ’surprising, little known fact’. The other day someone told me something I never would’ve imagined. Even moreso, I never would have imagined the way it is blessing me. While I don’t rejoice in the mistakes of others, I certainly believe God has a purpose for everything. This may just be his way of piecing my heart together.

There are a few things that I can honestly say I’d “never tell nobody but God”. (Kudos to you if you know what that’s from) I am not proud of any of them, but I can say that looking back at every instance–I am better because of it.

Though this is the first place I’ve lived alone, if these walls could talk, they would definitely have some stories to tell! I am only twenty years old, but I have lived enough life for twenty woman. God is up to something, I’m excited about the end result. Sometimes I think people speak to my spirit through the things they don’t say. For the past 5 years, for sure, I have been at least partially aware of my purpose–someone else confirmed it the other day! Life as a Black girl is hard. Life as a Black girl with a less than perfect life is even more difficult. I am glad that I’ve already realized this.

I am thankful for the words of wisdom spoken to me.

I am thankful for the words of chastizement received–they really are for my good.

I am thankful that I live in fear of disappointing others. It drives me when I forget to prevail.

Truthfully, I can’t wait to bless someone else with what I’ve been through.

I can’t wait to wipe the tears of a young woman who was/is where I’ve been.

I can’t wait to hear the relief in a girl’s voice when I can tell her, “you aint the first-and you won’t be the last”, despite how cliche it may be.

I can’t wait to rejoice as the woman I’ll become who has learned from her past and has wisdom to offer others.

I can’t wait, to hear these walls talk. I know their words wait in anticipation, too.

Nothing in Particular

My computer is being held hostage by Geek Squad, so I’m attempting to post using my phone. I hope it works.

This morning I got an email from someone, claiming that its contents brightened her day. Attached to the email were tons of photos documenting a civil ceremony between two men. While I respect their desire to public express their love and devotion, I’m a little upset-though I can’t decide why.

Because I did not attend their wedding, I can’t say that merits the feelings I have. I think, because I recognize weddings as a symbol of two people becoming one in the sight of God, I am a little offended. I am not upset that these two men love each other. In fact, in a society that does not always respect committment and love, I am overjoyed to see that two people have found just what so many of us are looking for.

There aren’t too many people who know me well…well enough to know the things I am ashamed of, but a few may eventually read this. You may be wondering how I can feel the way I do-all things considered.

My response is this. I am crazy, but not crazy enough to mock God conciously. Marriage is something sacred and I believe that if you chose to live out of God’s will, you have to be willing to sacrifice some things that go along with it.

So while I don’t know if the ceremony of these two men was religious in nature, I hope not.

On to something else, I almost got single again this weekend. This is crazy. I am growing up and going through and this is not easy! TB and I are so different. We grew up in what seems like completely different worlds. Sometimes I wonder if things really can work. Our main problem, honestly, is understand each others perspective. I’m upset that what’s important to me isn’t important to TB and I think vice versa. I’m upset that decisions have been made by TB that drastically affect US. I find it hard to believe that knowing me and my personality the expectation is to just grin and bare it–cuz its not happening.

Right now is a crazy time in my life and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I question everything, especially us, and I don’t think that’s how its supposed to be.

I had something else I wanted to say, but I forgot…

My Cup Runneth Over?

I’m pissed right now, but Imma write the post I intended anyway. 

I am 20 years old.  I have few friends and many acquaintances, mainly because I am very hesitant to let people into my space/mind/heart.  In fact, I’ve been in a relationship for about three months, and I still think we’re at the surface (though thats not necessarily all because of me). 

I can count on one hand the number of people I allow to ‘pour’ into me.  And some of them are people I never expected.  I am at a place of severe frustration and my patience is running thin.  Very thin.  It is causing me to question motives, beliefs, and if people are really genuine. 

There are so many people who keep asking invasive questions even though we are not close, while there are just as many people who want to offer their unsolicited opinion or advice.  It is driving me absolutely crazy!  Just because you think you know how I am supposed to think/act/feel during this time in my life doesn’t mean that I am going to think/act/feel this way–and people need to respect that.  Period.

The initial point of this post was to say that I am so glad that I have the (5>) people that I do.  They are strong, wise and above all else-genuine.  And that matters most to me.  I am currently struggling with who to trust, and how much of myself to share with these individuals.  So many people seem to have something they want to offer me, and at this point, I just cant filter through who really can help.

A Mother’s Love

Whew!  I’m going to try this blogging thing again.  In part because I believe it will be helpful, but mainly because I encouraged someone else to start one even though I seriously neglect my own. 

If you know me/follow me on Twitter/are a friend on Facebook (assuming you pay attention) you can tell that something has been going on with me.  While I’m not ready to disclose everything that has happened, I can say that I have experienced some things that have forever changed my life–and I don’t know exactly how I’m supposed to feel now. 

I wanted to write about this topic while the feeling is still raw, but I am able to grasp my emotions.  I have a newfound appreciation/respect/love for my mother.  Our relationship, as most, has been turbulent at times, but now I can honestly say that I am so blessed and grateful to have her.  Unfortunately, it has taken some heartache and sheer anger to get to this point. 

About two weeks ago, I went through a situation that I would never wish on anyone–it has been the most frustrating, painful and joyful experience I have ever had.  Seriously.  And through it all, my mother has been right there!  She’s held my hand, wiped my tears, laid in bed with me, spoken words of comfort and still helps me through–from hundreds of miles away. 

For the longest time, I could never understand why or how a Mother could (or could not, for that matter) extend the unconditional, exhausting love they are known for.  Now I know.  When I think about everything it takes to be a Mother, a real mother, its tons of work!  Making the decision to make someone else your first priority, allowing them to take up residence in your body for almost a year (!), and having your heart attached to someone else–their joys, their pains, their mistakes and their triumphs is an incomparable sacrifice. 

My mother has done just that and more.  And I’m forever grateful. 

“Beat Like Puppies”

This week is Spiritual Emphasis week at my Virginia church. 

There were a total of37 people in attendance at tonight’s service, seriously. 

My cousin, 11, stood during the hymn and began to sway.  It wasn’t a ‘captivated by the melody’ rock…it was a sway, akin to Napoleon Dynamite at the beginning of his end-of-movie dance sequence.  My heart smiled–yet I wonder why he hates church.   I have mixed opinions about church, but he abhors it.  The obvious reasons–being Pentecostal and attending tarrying service since birth (literally), having a mile long list of things he’d rather be doing…or is it something more? 

Does he sense what I sense?  Does he feel what I feel?  Does he know that week after week, service after service, we stare evil in the face?  For those of you who know me, please don’t think I mean my pastor.  I don’t.  But the leaders, the Church leaders who abuse their human condition and compromise themselves and the spiritual welfare of their parishoners…them; that’s who I mean.

20 Questions

1.What did I learn last week? – If you have trouble answering this question, it’s time for a change. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you should learn something new every week.

Last week was a whirlwind, but I think the greatest lesson was learning to capitalize on people’s strengths…or maybe that everything doesn’t need a response.

2.What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week? – Reflecting on your accomplishments is a healthy way to raise self confidence and contentment. It’s also an effective way to track your progress.

Embracing my feelings about a situation, and expressing them.

3.Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why? – It may open up your mind to new passions and goals, or simple pastimes worth revisiting.

This is so hard to answer…probably Alysa dancing to one of my favorite songs.

4.What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week? – Everything else is secondary, and should be treated as such. Nevertheless, this question will also shine light on other noteworthy tasks.

Opening my Bible.

5.What can I do right now to make the week less stressful? – Set reminders in your calendar, get your laundry done, fill the car with gas… organize yourself.

Pray.

6.What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week? – The idea here is to learn from your struggles and better equip yourself for future encounters.

Lack of preparation for the semester ahead.

7.What was last week’s biggest time sink? – Steer clear of this in the future. Setup physical barriers against distractions if you have to.

Blogs, lol.

8.Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped? – Physical clutter, mental clutter… eliminate the unnecessary so the necessary may shine bright.

The answer is a resounding “yes”!…though I can’t pinpoint anything specific right now.

9.What have I been avoiding that needs to get done? – Pencil in a time to get these things done. For any 2-minute or less tasks, consider scheduling them first thing Monday morning.

1. AP Scores, 2. Packing, 3. Time with Him.

10.What opportunities are still on the table? – If it’s still available and you want it, make a concrete plan to go after it this week.

Everything’s on the table right now, and I’m excited about it!

11.Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to? – Regular communication can solve problems before they fester. Always keep an open line of communication to those around you.

My Daddy.

12.Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’? – Take time each week to thank the people who have helped you. Your kind gesture will not go unnoticed.

KB, but I think she’s kinda over my gratitude.

13.How can I help someone else this coming week? – The easiest way to get what you want is to help others get what they want. If you help them, they will remember you when you need help.

Will definitely keep this in mind.

14.What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years? – You’ll never make any progress in life if you don’t setup realistic goals for yourself.

4.0 Club, Ministry, Homeownership

15.Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals? – If the answer is no, something needs to change.

Yes and No.

16.What’s the next step for each goal? – Knowing the next step is the key to accomplishing the whole.

Discipline, ironically, happens to be the next step for all three goals.

17.What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week? – The answer can act as a great source of motivation. If nothing exists, schedule something to look forward to.

Driving to Carolina with my bestie.

18.What are my fears? – Consciously address your fears each week and slowly work on resolving them. It’s all about taking baby steps.

FAILURE [by my standards--which means a repeat of the past 18 months]

19.What am I most grateful for? – It’s a smart way to keep things in perspective, and something you should never lose sight of.

Grace.

20.If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with? – Another helpful reminder… Life is short. Spend more time with the people you care about.

Gramma or April…I wanna say my Mom, but I feel like I’d love to bask in wisdom or impact the future.

The First 48

[Is anyone else addicted to this show?]

You know how you can anticipate something so greatly–a moment, encounter, event–and feel so anti-climatic after its over? You have an expectation that is sometimes met, or greatly missed and the feelings of pure elation or surprising ambivalence can never be accurately articulated immediately following the occurence? That’s how I feel. I went to church Sunday, and now 48 hours later I’m ready to talk about it.

As stated in the last post, I’ve moved, and I’m actually close to a church that I’m interested in attending. I said I went to church as though I hadn’t been in ages, but the truth is-I went three weeks ago. I made that statement in such a confessional (is this an adjective?) tone because I’ve decided that I’m going to my plant myself at this church for the moment–an extended moment. I’m very involved in a department that plays a major role in the growth and health of my denomination, but truthfully, I’ve let my personal relationship falter. Greatly.

It’s certainly time to fix that and my attendance at the worship service Sunday was a direct reflection of that decision. I am pretty hesitant though; our church has this thing, itinerant ministry, which means that a Pastor is not guaranteed to be at one particular church for any amount of time. Seemingly, “here today, gone tomorrow”-or more like next year. That brings me to a major point, or contention rather, that I have with this outdated system of organized religion.

My generation, and the one preceding it, are largely made up of people from single-parent homes and/or dysfunctional family/community units–we are “sensitive about our shit” on so many levels. We are all too selective of the people we will allow to reprimand/praise/critique us because of the level of mistrust and sometimes disrespect we have for authority. Now consider this…if I have all or even some of the aforementioned issues, and I decide to enter the horrible (yes, I said it), yet beautiful institution that is the Black Church and choose to sit under a specific leader-I want them around! I mean, I believe that for many, especially those who choose to make their faith a pillar in their lifestyle, their spiritual leader is a very important figure in one’s life. Most people trust this person, are encouraged by their faith in action, and strive to live the standard set by God and reinforced by their Pastor. Why would anyone be interested in joining a Church where this person’s presence is not guaranteed?

As seen in the Ob.ama/Wri.ght issues earlier this year, Black people’s church affiliations are not something easily relinquished, or assumed for that matter. Much like other members of the Black community, I don’t take my membership-in any organization, especially not a church, lightly.

Having realized these things, I wonder if I’ve made the right decision. I’ve not joined, and I won’t, because I can’t be assured consistent leadership. But I wonder if even affiliating with a church is wrong if you don’t do it independent of the leader.

Transition

This is not the first blog I’ve had–in fact, it’s the third.  I am determined to utilize this space. 

I am in the midst of ending a huge transition.  Actually, I know that things never stop changing–this was just major.  Formerly a student at The George Washington University in the District of Columbia, I’ve transferred to Winthrop in Rock Hill, South Carolina.  Each time that I think about what a drastic decision that was, I have mixed emotions. 

Last semester I learned alot about the woman I am (becoming).  The fact that I don’t know everything was a major realization on more than one occasion.  I am proud to say that I am becoming more secure in recognizing and asserting my personal standards–that’s exciting.  For a long time it was as if I had two personalities–the assertive, driven, highly intelligent woman and the insecure, passive girl who chose not to confront the things that made her uncomfortable. 

And here I am now, living alone, responsible for myself on a whole new level.  And its freeing–I know that I truly determine where I’m going and how I’ll get there.

Me SO Busy!

I should be writing a paper critiquing a poem by Rafael Juárez.  Or doing the reading for my Writing class.  Or finding sources for that same class’s next paper.  Or creating a proof for ‘Proposition 1′ written in the vernacular.  Or…you get the point?  There’s a neverending list of things to do!  I kinda like it this way, though, I always feel productive…or at the very least, not idle.

For the past few days the Black Man has been on my mind.  Its crazy because I’ve been taking a lot more interest in my relationships with two Black males in particular as of late.  I love them!  Analytical, humorous, non-threatening, tranquil…just good men.  I’m glad to know them. 

 I was reading on another blog today how it seems as though Black women have lost faith in Black men, and I have to agree.  But honestly, as a college student I know that my potential mates are not living up to the standard that has been set in my life.  So I have to ask myself?  Why do I even enterain the madness?

I want to develop an on campus minority mentoring program wherein upperclassmen adopt first years and basically introduce them to good social circles, show them how to network in the District and help them create that everso difficult balance between academia and life without supervision.  I’ve been talking about it for awhile, now its time to be about it…

 …right after I finish at least one of these papers!

Ready

I’m ready.  “For what?”, one might ask.  My response-”To begin again.”

 This week has been one of the busiest, exciting weeks of my life.  In a word, I am, ANTICIPACIOUS.  I can’t wait for what is about to happen in my life.  So many changes and opportunities, whether the things I want or not, are coming my way.  Despite a few challenges and misunderstandings I have absolutely no complaints about life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I am loved, and I love and the feeling that comes with knowing that people care about you and share your joys is amazing.  Unfortunately, along with that sentiment comes one of misunderstanding.  I’ve never been in a place where I hurt so much that I refuse to press on-ever.  I love life and the people God has blessed to be a part of my life; I don’t know the feelings that cause someone to abandon rewarding relationships because of personal hangups that need to be released anyway.  But I am grateful.  Grateful that I have been afforded the opportunity to develop a resilient spirit.  Grateful that I am learning when to say “no” and be a better judge of character.  Grateful that I no longer allow the problems of others to weigh heavily on me.  In truth, I believe the intercessor in me is about to make one hell of a comeback.  I’m not dismissing people’s burdens right now; just not taking them on either.

 I hope that this blog will help restore some semblance of discipline to my life.  Considering the possible chaos that could ensue for the next few months, I’m not sure that will happen.  Nevertheless, I will try!