Diagnosed

28 08 2013

“Yeah. Based on the lesions, and your symptoms, I’d say it’s MS…”

I heard the doctor, but at that point it’s as is his voice began to softer, drowned out by my thoughts. Multiple Sclerosis. At 24. Where did this even come from?! Once I read about the disease, the diagnosis made so much sense. Constant fatigue, aches, weakness, vision problems — a menagerie a problems rarely experienced by a twenty-something. To be honest, I felt a sense of relief. Finally, there was a name for what I was feeling!





I Saw God Today

15 03 2012

Remember how in The Color Purple Shug Avery casually, but profoundly, tells Celie that whenever she sees purple…?  Actually, I’ve forgotten the line verbatim, but I felt that same sentiment today.

I have been struggling with my gifts, the way they are to be used, and how my imperfect, irrational, always questioning self fits into His massive Will.  When I say struggling, I mean losing sleep, agonizing, fighting because it just doesn’t make sense.  So rather than continuing to deal with it impractically, I had a pow wow with the Lord.

We have those often.  It’s necessary for my sanity.

I simply said, ‘Lord, I have trust issues, but you knew that already.  Unfortunately my greatest issues revolve around the fact that I have to trust You, cause You’ve trusted me with so much.”

If it doesn’t make sense to you, or you can’t understand, it’s okay – my struggles aren’t meant to be yours because our triumph won’t be the same.

Anyway, during the pow wow, I asked Him to make Himself so real it was undeniable.  You know how when you first fall in love everything you do/see/think can somehow be related to your Love?  That’s what I asked for…that feeling, always.  So today, after leaving work and running a few errands, I saw Him.  It was an encounter.  I feel like the clouds parted just for me.  I heard Him say, “Daughter, here I am.”

Here’s the thing.  I never doubted that He would answer my prayer, but I was still in awe when He did.  He proved Himself once more.  How amazing!  I smiled, and said “thank You” because I’m learning to appreciate Him in a whole new way, took a picture, and continued home.

Again.  He came back!  As if to say, “…just in case you don’t believe it was Me”. I was sitting on my “patio” and it began to drizzle — that warm rain that cleanses.  Again.  In the dirt patch where the foliage used to be (maintenance dug all the green up for some reason), there was some sort of insect rushing off to somewhere…else.  I couldn’t see its entire body, just the center part, and it was moving so deliberately.  I thought, “that’s just how He moves”.  The bug wasn’t concerned about the other insects in the soil, the rain falling from above, the possible predators all around — it was just moving, deliberately.

That’s what He does.  He moves, deliberately, without concern for anything but the fulfillment of His Will.

How amazing that He doesn’t need us, because He’s deliberate, but still He finds a way to include us.  Invites us to His table, to partake, to be filled, to be poured out, just so His deliberate Will is accomplished.  





Incomplete

16 03 2010

Remember that incomplete from last semester? Still unresolved. It’s hanging over my head, the books and notes are strewn all across my bed, but for some reason its just not coming together.

If I’m being honest, I feel that way about so much going on in my life right now, “it’s just not coming together”. I’ve been on Spring Break since last Thursday and have very little to show for it–excluding hefty additions to my itunes. I guess that’s progress, considering that for so long music has been unimportant.

I really regret not going anywhere for Spring Break–I had invites to Miami, Puerto Rico, random cities and could have even pulled together a staycation, but I chose not to. I promised to do something for someone on Saturday, and it has become really important to me to become a woman of my word. For so long I would say I could and would do things, and would never follow through. Bailing on people at the last minute is not something one wants to be known for, and it says something about the person who is comfortable doing so.

The other night I was discussing ambition, or the lack thereof, with a good friend. She and I have had somewhat similar upbringings, and both seem to be stuck in a rut. I think for me, I’m beginning tg realize that I have 9 months and 2 days until graduation. This whole “what’s next?” of Senior year has met me, before our time, and I’m beginning to get that queasy feeling so many of my Senior friends speak of. So many people feel like location doesn’t matter, but I know that’s untrue. My drive, and even inspiration, was completely different when I wasn’t in SC. It’s crazy how such a life decision has affected me and my personal goals/belief in self. I’m so ready to be away from here, but I must be careful not to take this mentality with me. Things that are permissible here can and will NOT get me to where I want to be, this I am certain of. I’m not even sure that the people I’m close to now will understand who I actually am in ‘my element’–I think this will have major implications for my relationship, but that’s another blog for another day.

I just want myself back. I want to not put off important projects, be fearful of deadlines or lack discipline any longer. My parents think that I’ve put too much pressure on myself, but I disagree. Greatness doesn’t just happen, and I have all the potential and skill–if not more, than most of my peer group. So why am I not as successful?

Would it have been better if I was born into struggle, so that I wouldn’t take so many things for granted? Would it have been better if I experienced some sort of tragedy during my childhood so I would have something to ‘rise above’?

I’m in limbo–I need out, now.





Volume One

4 01 2010

Creating titles for these posts is kind of hard, especially when I want to talk about a bunch of nothing–there’s never an all encompassing phrase. 

I’ve got to clean my room.  Usually the chaos in my bedroom represents the chaos in my head, but I’m just being lazy.  I’m trying to break myself of that in 2010.  My work ethic frustrates me; I work extremely hard when I want to, but that doesn’t happen often.   In my mind, the simplest tasks can seem like a chore and repeatedly put things off.  This has to stop–I’d say this is more of a problem than my lack of financial discipline. 

I took an incomplete in my favorite class this semester.  New classes start next week, so I guess I need to start finish this paper.  I think I’ll spend today finishing the reading.  At least I have all that together.  I just need to find a case study that proves race based discrimination in educational grouping.  The intellectual in me loves this stuff.  The girl who loves to shop just wants a nice paying desk job that asks me to think 2/5 days of the week so I can live the life I always planned. 

I’ll blog again later today, I think.  I just needed to get something out since I said I would.





Welcome, 2010!

1 01 2010

The new year is upon us, and I’m surprised I’m still awake.  I seriously didn’t think I was going to make it past 8:30. 

I am a sporadic blogger at best, but I, like many others, will be attempting to remedy that in the coming days/weeks.  It takes 21 days to create a habit, so that’s the goal.  If I blog everyday until January 22nd, I might just believe that it will become a regular thing.   If you’re active on Twitter and other social networks you will probably see that most people are in great anticipation of 2010.  I’m not sure if its just because I have so many things to look forward to this year, or because everyone was just so ready to get rid of 2009.  Either way, I am excited!

The first thing on my list is to create a vision board, it seems to be vital to the success of so many.  Until this year, I never understood the effects that words and images have on one’s psyche.   Oh, before I forget…I stayed home on NYE and it was quite awkward, but I’m not sure why.   Sometimes I feel so out of place, I’m 20 years old–but I don’t really live ‘that’ life.  I don’t like to party–no, seriously, its one of the last things on my to do list.  I’m not sure why, it just doesn’t appeal to me.  Sometimes I wonder am I missing out, but I honestly think that I’m just going to explore some of my interests instead of forcing myself to do things just because people my age do them. 

There are so many things I want to accomplish in 2010.  Some personal, some professional; all beneficial.  I need to narrow my line of sight and sort so many things out.  I think for now I’m just going to list my goals–they will probably turn into posts later.

Personal:

1. Become Less Irritable

2. See the Beauty in AT LEAST one thing EVERY day and cherish it.

3. Allow God to Decipher (for me) my relationship–its far more serious than either of us have expected, and I know I’m not ready.

4. Speak Less|Listen More|Write Often

5. Choose Happiness!

6. Learn to Play the Piano

Professional:

1. Reach Target GPA by Fall 2010 Semester (GRADUATION!)

2. Research and Make Contacts in Field of PR

3. Get Hired by a Government Agency

4. Use my bilingual skill DAILY (and get paid to do it!)

5. Find and Apply to Masters’ Programs

6. Establish a Brand

There are more, but some things are between me and Him.

Oh yeah…I’m starting a Bible in a Year series w/ a Facebook group–I’m excited!





If These Walls Could Talk

4 10 2009

My computer is still being held hostage by Geek Squad. It needs a new motherboard, hard drive and something else, I think.

But I want to stay consistent with my blogging, so I’ll be forced to get thumb cramps.

The reason I gave this post the title it has is because sometimes we never know the secrets people have.

I use the word ‘secret’ loosely. Normally that word has a negative connotation, but I guess the better phrase would be ‘surprising, little known fact’. The other day someone told me something I never would’ve imagined. Even moreso, I never would have imagined the way it is blessing me. While I don’t rejoice in the mistakes of others, I certainly believe God has a purpose for everything. This may just be his way of piecing my heart together.

There are a few things that I can honestly say I’d “never tell nobody but God”. (Kudos to you if you know what that’s from) I am not proud of any of them, but I can say that looking back at every instance–I am better because of it.

Though this is the first place I’ve lived alone, if these walls could talk, they would definitely have some stories to tell! I am only twenty years old, but I have lived enough life for twenty woman. God is up to something, I’m excited about the end result. Sometimes I think people speak to my spirit through the things they don’t say. For the past 5 years, for sure, I have been at least partially aware of my purpose–someone else confirmed it the other day! Life as a Black girl is hard. Life as a Black girl with a less than perfect life is even more difficult. I am glad that I’ve already realized this.

I am thankful for the words of wisdom spoken to me.

I am thankful for the words of chastizement received–they really are for my good.

I am thankful that I live in fear of disappointing others. It drives me when I forget to prevail.

Truthfully, I can’t wait to bless someone else with what I’ve been through.

I can’t wait to wipe the tears of a young woman who was/is where I’ve been.

I can’t wait to hear the relief in a girl’s voice when I can tell her, “you aint the first-and you won’t be the last”, despite how cliche it may be.

I can’t wait to rejoice as the woman I’ll become who has learned from her past and has wisdom to offer others.

I can’t wait, to hear these walls talk. I know their words wait in anticipation, too.





Nothing in Particular

29 09 2009

My computer is being held hostage by Geek Squad, so I’m attempting to post using my phone. I hope it works.

This morning I got an email from someone, claiming that its contents brightened her day. Attached to the email were tons of photos documenting a civil ceremony between two men. While I respect their desire to public express their love and devotion, I’m a little upset-though I can’t decide why.

Because I did not attend their wedding, I can’t say that merits the feelings I have. I think, because I recognize weddings as a symbol of two people becoming one in the sight of God, I am a little offended. I am not upset that these two men love each other. In fact, in a society that does not always respect committment and love, I am overjoyed to see that two people have found just what so many of us are looking for.

There aren’t too many people who know me well…well enough to know the things I am ashamed of, but a few may eventually read this. You may be wondering how I can feel the way I do-all things considered.

My response is this. I am crazy, but not crazy enough to mock God conciously. Marriage is something sacred and I believe that if you chose to live out of God’s will, you have to be willing to sacrifice some things that go along with it.

So while I don’t know if the ceremony of these two men was religious in nature, I hope not.

On to something else, I almost got single again this weekend. This is crazy. I am growing up and going through and this is not easy! TB and I are so different. We grew up in what seems like completely different worlds. Sometimes I wonder if things really can work. Our main problem, honestly, is understand each others perspective. I’m upset that what’s important to me isn’t important to TB and I think vice versa. I’m upset that decisions have been made by TB that drastically affect US. I find it hard to believe that knowing me and my personality the expectation is to just grin and bare it–cuz its not happening.

Right now is a crazy time in my life and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I question everything, especially us, and I don’t think that’s how its supposed to be.

I had something else I wanted to say, but I forgot…








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