Remember that incomplete from last semester? Still unresolved. It’s hanging over my head, the books and notes are strewn all across my bed, but for some reason its just not coming together.
If I’m being honest, I feel that way about so much going on in my life right now, “it’s just not coming together”. I’ve been on Spring Break since last Thursday and have very little to show for it–excluding hefty additions to my itunes. I guess that’s progress, considering that for so long music has been unimportant.
I really regret not going anywhere for Spring Break–I had invites to Miami, Puerto Rico, random cities and could have even pulled together a staycation, but I chose not to. I promised to do something for someone on Saturday, and it has become really important to me to become a woman of my word. For so long I would say I could and would do things, and would never follow through. Bailing on people at the last minute is not something one wants to be known for, and it says something about the person who is comfortable doing so.
The other night I was discussing ambition, or the lack thereof, with a good friend. She and I have had somewhat similar upbringings, and both seem to be stuck in a rut. I think for me, I’m beginning tg realize that I have 9 months and 2 days until graduation. This whole “what’s next?” of Senior year has met me, before our time, and I’m beginning to get that queasy feeling so many of my Senior friends speak of. So many people feel like location doesn’t matter, but I know that’s untrue. My drive, and even inspiration, was completely different when I wasn’t in SC. It’s crazy how such a life decision has affected me and my personal goals/belief in self. I’m so ready to be away from here, but I must be careful not to take this mentality with me. Things that are permissible here can and will NOT get me to where I want to be, this I am certain of. I’m not even sure that the people I’m close to now will understand who I actually am in ‘my element’–I think this will have major implications for my relationship, but that’s another blog for another day.
I just want myself back. I want to not put off important projects, be fearful of deadlines or lack discipline any longer. My parents think that I’ve put too much pressure on myself, but I disagree. Greatness doesn’t just happen, and I have all the potential and skill–if not more, than most of my peer group. So why am I not as successful?
Would it have been better if I was born into struggle, so that I wouldn’t take so many things for granted? Would it have been better if I experienced some sort of tragedy during my childhood so I would have something to ‘rise above’?
I’m in limbo–I need out, now.
