If I’m being honest, I feel that way about so much going on in my life right now, “it’s just not coming together”. I’ve been on Spring Break since last Thursday and have very little to show for it–excluding hefty additions to my itunes. I guess that’s progress, considering that for so long music has been unimportant.

I really regret not going anywhere for Spring Break–I had invites to Miami, Puerto Rico, random cities and could have even pulled together a staycation, but I chose not to. I promised to do something for someone on Saturday, and it has become really important to me to become a woman of my word. For so long I would say I could and would do things, and would never follow through. Bailing on people at the last minute is not something one wants to be known for, and it says something about the person who is comfortable doing so.

The other night I was discussing ambition, or the lack thereof, with a good friend. She and I have had somewhat similar upbringings, and both seem to be stuck in a rut. I think for me, I’m beginning tg realize that I have 9 months and 2 days until graduation. This whole “what’s next?” of Senior year has met me, before our time, and I’m beginning to get that queasy feeling so many of my Senior friends speak of. So many people feel like location doesn’t matter, but I know that’s untrue. My drive, and even inspiration, was completely different when I wasn’t in SC. It’s crazy how such a life decision has affected me and my personal goals/belief in self. I’m so ready to be away from here, but I must be careful not to take this mentality with me. Things that are permissible here can and will NOT get me to where I want to be, this I am certain of. I’m not even sure that the people I’m close to now will understand who I actually am in ‘my element’–I think this will have major implications for my relationship, but that’s another blog for another day.

I just want myself back. I want to not put off important projects, be fearful of deadlines or lack discipline any longer. My parents think that I’ve put too much pressure on myself, but I disagree. Greatness doesn’t just happen, and I have all the potential and skill–if not more, than most of my peer group. So why am I not as successful?

Would it have been better if I was born into struggle, so that I wouldn’t take so many things for granted? Would it have been better if I experienced some sort of tragedy during my childhood so I would have something to ‘rise above’?

I’m in limbo–I need out, now.

I’ve got to clean my room.  Usually the chaos in my bedroom represents the chaos in my head, but I’m just being lazy.  I’m trying to break myself of that in 2010.  My work ethic frustrates me; I work extremely hard when I want to, but that doesn’t happen often.   In my mind, the simplest tasks can seem like a chore and repeatedly put things off.  This has to stop–I’d say this is more of a problem than my lack of financial discipline. 

I took an incomplete in my favorite class this semester.  New classes start next week, so I guess I need to start finish this paper.  I think I’ll spend today finishing the reading.  At least I have all that together.  I just need to find a case study that proves race based discrimination in educational grouping.  The intellectual in me loves this stuff.  The girl who loves to shop just wants a nice paying desk job that asks me to think 2/5 days of the week so I can live the life I always planned. 

I’ll blog again later today, I think.  I just needed to get something out since I said I would.

I am a sporadic blogger at best, but I, like many others, will be attempting to remedy that in the coming days/weeks.  It takes 21 days to create a habit, so that’s the goal.  If I blog everyday until January 22nd, I might just believe that it will become a regular thing.   If you’re active on Twitter and other social networks you will probably see that most people are in great anticipation of 2010.  I’m not sure if its just because I have so many things to look forward to this year, or because everyone was just so ready to get rid of 2009.  Either way, I am excited!

The first thing on my list is to create a vision board, it seems to be vital to the success of so many.  Until this year, I never understood the effects that words and images have on one’s psyche.   Oh, before I forget…I stayed home on NYE and it was quite awkward, but I’m not sure why.   Sometimes I feel so out of place, I’m 20 years old–but I don’t really live ‘that’ life.  I don’t like to party–no, seriously, its one of the last things on my to do list.  I’m not sure why, it just doesn’t appeal to me.  Sometimes I wonder am I missing out, but I honestly think that I’m just going to explore some of my interests instead of forcing myself to do things just because people my age do them. 

There are so many things I want to accomplish in 2010.  Some personal, some professional; all beneficial.  I need to narrow my line of sight and sort so many things out.  I think for now I’m just going to list my goals–they will probably turn into posts later.

Personal:

1. Become Less Irritable

2. See the Beauty in AT LEAST one thing EVERY day and cherish it.

3. Allow God to Decipher (for me) my relationship–its far more serious than either of us have expected, and I know I’m not ready.

4. Speak Less|Listen More|Write Often

5. Choose Happiness!

6. Learn to Play the Piano

Professional:

1. Reach Target GPA by Fall 2010 Semester (GRADUATION!)

2. Research and Make Contacts in Field of PR

3. Get Hired by a Government Agency

4. Use my bilingual skill DAILY (and get paid to do it!)

5. Find and Apply to Masters’ Programs

6. Establish a Brand

There are more, but some things are between me and Him.

Oh yeah…I’m starting a Bible in a Year series w/ a Facebook group–I’m excited!

But I want to stay consistent with my blogging, so I’ll be forced to get thumb cramps.

The reason I gave this post the title it has is because sometimes we never know the secrets people have.

I use the word ‘secret’ loosely. Normally that word has a negative connotation, but I guess the better phrase would be ‘surprising, little known fact’. The other day someone told me something I never would’ve imagined. Even moreso, I never would have imagined the way it is blessing me. While I don’t rejoice in the mistakes of others, I certainly believe God has a purpose for everything. This may just be his way of piecing my heart together.

There are a few things that I can honestly say I’d “never tell nobody but God”. (Kudos to you if you know what that’s from) I am not proud of any of them, but I can say that looking back at every instance–I am better because of it.

Though this is the first place I’ve lived alone, if these walls could talk, they would definitely have some stories to tell! I am only twenty years old, but I have lived enough life for twenty woman. God is up to something, I’m excited about the end result. Sometimes I think people speak to my spirit through the things they don’t say. For the past 5 years, for sure, I have been at least partially aware of my purpose–someone else confirmed it the other day! Life as a Black girl is hard. Life as a Black girl with a less than perfect life is even more difficult. I am glad that I’ve already realized this.

I am thankful for the words of wisdom spoken to me.

I am thankful for the words of chastizement received–they really are for my good.

I am thankful that I live in fear of disappointing others. It drives me when I forget to prevail.

Truthfully, I can’t wait to bless someone else with what I’ve been through.

I can’t wait to wipe the tears of a young woman who was/is where I’ve been.

I can’t wait to hear the relief in a girl’s voice when I can tell her, “you aint the first-and you won’t be the last”, despite how cliche it may be.

I can’t wait to rejoice as the woman I’ll become who has learned from her past and has wisdom to offer others.

I can’t wait, to hear these walls talk. I know their words wait in anticipation, too.

This morning I got an email from someone, claiming that its contents brightened her day. Attached to the email were tons of photos documenting a civil ceremony between two men. While I respect their desire to public express their love and devotion, I’m a little upset-though I can’t decide why.

Because I did not attend their wedding, I can’t say that merits the feelings I have. I think, because I recognize weddings as a symbol of two people becoming one in the sight of God, I am a little offended. I am not upset that these two men love each other. In fact, in a society that does not always respect committment and love, I am overjoyed to see that two people have found just what so many of us are looking for.

There aren’t too many people who know me well…well enough to know the things I am ashamed of, but a few may eventually read this. You may be wondering how I can feel the way I do-all things considered.

My response is this. I am crazy, but not crazy enough to mock God conciously. Marriage is something sacred and I believe that if you chose to live out of God’s will, you have to be willing to sacrifice some things that go along with it.

So while I don’t know if the ceremony of these two men was religious in nature, I hope not.

On to something else, I almost got single again this weekend. This is crazy. I am growing up and going through and this is not easy! TB and I are so different. We grew up in what seems like completely different worlds. Sometimes I wonder if things really can work. Our main problem, honestly, is understand each others perspective. I’m upset that what’s important to me isn’t important to TB and I think vice versa. I’m upset that decisions have been made by TB that drastically affect US. I find it hard to believe that knowing me and my personality the expectation is to just grin and bare it–cuz its not happening.

Right now is a crazy time in my life and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I question everything, especially us, and I don’t think that’s how its supposed to be.

I had something else I wanted to say, but I forgot…

I am 20 years old.  I have few friends and many acquaintances, mainly because I am very hesitant to let people into my space/mind/heart.  In fact, I’ve been in a relationship for about three months, and I still think we’re at the surface (though thats not necessarily all because of me). 

I can count on one hand the number of people I allow to ‘pour’ into me.  And some of them are people I never expected.  I am at a place of severe frustration and my patience is running thin.  Very thin.  It is causing me to question motives, beliefs, and if people are really genuine. 

There are so many people who keep asking invasive questions even though we are not close, while there are just as many people who want to offer their unsolicited opinion or advice.  It is driving me absolutely crazy!  Just because you think you know how I am supposed to think/act/feel during this time in my life doesn’t mean that I am going to think/act/feel this way–and people need to respect that.  Period.

The initial point of this post was to say that I am so glad that I have the (5>) people that I do.  They are strong, wise and above all else-genuine.  And that matters most to me.  I am currently struggling with who to trust, and how much of myself to share with these individuals.  So many people seem to have something they want to offer me, and at this point, I just cant filter through who really can help.

If you know me/follow me on Twitter/are a friend on Facebook (assuming you pay attention) you can tell that something has been going on with me.  While I’m not ready to disclose everything that has happened, I can say that I have experienced some things that have forever changed my life–and I don’t know exactly how I’m supposed to feel now. 

I wanted to write about this topic while the feeling is still raw, but I am able to grasp my emotions.  I have a newfound appreciation/respect/love for my mother.  Our relationship, as most, has been turbulent at times, but now I can honestly say that I am so blessed and grateful to have her.  Unfortunately, it has taken some heartache and sheer anger to get to this point. 

About two weeks ago, I went through a situation that I would never wish on anyone–it has been the most frustrating, painful and joyful experience I have ever had.  Seriously.  And through it all, my mother has been right there!  She’s held my hand, wiped my tears, laid in bed with me, spoken words of comfort and still helps me through–from hundreds of miles away. 

For the longest time, I could never understand why or how a Mother could (or could not, for that matter) extend the unconditional, exhausting love they are known for.  Now I know.  When I think about everything it takes to be a Mother, a real mother, its tons of work!  Making the decision to make someone else your first priority, allowing them to take up residence in your body for almost a year (!), and having your heart attached to someone else–their joys, their pains, their mistakes and their triumphs is an incomparable sacrifice. 

My mother has done just that and more.  And I’m forever grateful. 

There were a total of37 people in attendance at tonight’s service, seriously. 

My cousin, 11, stood during the hymn and began to sway.  It wasn’t a ‘captivated by the melody’ rock…it was a sway, akin to Napoleon Dynamite at the beginning of his end-of-movie dance sequence.  My heart smiled–yet I wonder why he hates church.   I have mixed opinions about church, but he abhors it.  The obvious reasons–being Pentecostal and attending tarrying service since birth (literally), having a mile long list of things he’d rather be doing…or is it something more? 

Does he sense what I sense?  Does he feel what I feel?  Does he know that week after week, service after service, we stare evil in the face?  For those of you who know me, please don’t think I mean my pastor.  I don’t.  But the leaders, the Church leaders who abuse their human condition and compromise themselves and the spiritual welfare of their parishoners…them; that’s who I mean.

Last week was a whirlwind, but I think the greatest lesson was learning to capitalize on people’s strengths…or maybe that everything doesn’t need a response.

2.What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week? – Reflecting on your accomplishments is a healthy way to raise self confidence and contentment. It’s also an effective way to track your progress.

Embracing my feelings about a situation, and expressing them.

3.Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why? – It may open up your mind to new passions and goals, or simple pastimes worth revisiting.

This is so hard to answer…probably Alysa dancing to one of my favorite songs.

4.What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week? – Everything else is secondary, and should be treated as such. Nevertheless, this question will also shine light on other noteworthy tasks.

Opening my Bible.

5.What can I do right now to make the week less stressful? – Set reminders in your calendar, get your laundry done, fill the car with gas… organize yourself.

Pray.

6.What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week? – The idea here is to learn from your struggles and better equip yourself for future encounters.

Lack of preparation for the semester ahead.

7.What was last week’s biggest time sink? – Steer clear of this in the future. Setup physical barriers against distractions if you have to.

Blogs, lol.

8.Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped? – Physical clutter, mental clutter… eliminate the unnecessary so the necessary may shine bright.

The answer is a resounding “yes”!…though I can’t pinpoint anything specific right now.

9.What have I been avoiding that needs to get done? – Pencil in a time to get these things done. For any 2-minute or less tasks, consider scheduling them first thing Monday morning.

1. AP Scores, 2. Packing, 3. Time with Him.

10.What opportunities are still on the table? – If it’s still available and you want it, make a concrete plan to go after it this week.

Everything’s on the table right now, and I’m excited about it!

11.Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to? – Regular communication can solve problems before they fester. Always keep an open line of communication to those around you.

My Daddy.

12.Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’? – Take time each week to thank the people who have helped you. Your kind gesture will not go unnoticed.

KB, but I think she’s kinda over my gratitude.

13.How can I help someone else this coming week? – The easiest way to get what you want is to help others get what they want. If you help them, they will remember you when you need help.

Will definitely keep this in mind.

14.What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years? – You’ll never make any progress in life if you don’t setup realistic goals for yourself.

4.0 Club, Ministry, Homeownership

15.Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals? – If the answer is no, something needs to change.

Yes and No.

16.What’s the next step for each goal? – Knowing the next step is the key to accomplishing the whole.

Discipline, ironically, happens to be the next step for all three goals.

17.What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week? – The answer can act as a great source of motivation. If nothing exists, schedule something to look forward to.

Driving to Carolina with my bestie.

18.What are my fears? – Consciously address your fears each week and slowly work on resolving them. It’s all about taking baby steps.

FAILURE [by my standards--which means a repeat of the past 18 months]

19.What am I most grateful for? – It’s a smart way to keep things in perspective, and something you should never lose sight of.

Grace.

20.If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with? – Another helpful reminder… Life is short. Spend more time with the people you care about.

Gramma or April…I wanna say my Mom, but I feel like I’d love to bask in wisdom or impact the future.

You know how you can anticipate something so greatly–a moment, encounter, event–and feel so anti-climatic after its over? You have an expectation that is sometimes met, or greatly missed and the feelings of pure elation or surprising ambivalence can never be accurately articulated immediately following the occurence? That’s how I feel. I went to church Sunday, and now 48 hours later I’m ready to talk about it.

As stated in the last post, I’ve moved, and I’m actually close to a church that I’m interested in attending. I said I went to church as though I hadn’t been in ages, but the truth is-I went three weeks ago. I made that statement in such a confessional (is this an adjective?) tone because I’ve decided that I’m going to my plant myself at this church for the moment–an extended moment. I’m very involved in a department that plays a major role in the growth and health of my denomination, but truthfully, I’ve let my personal relationship falter. Greatly.

It’s certainly time to fix that and my attendance at the worship service Sunday was a direct reflection of that decision. I am pretty hesitant though; our church has this thing, itinerant ministry, which means that a Pastor is not guaranteed to be at one particular church for any amount of time. Seemingly, “here today, gone tomorrow”-or more like next year. That brings me to a major point, or contention rather, that I have with this outdated system of organized religion.

My generation, and the one preceding it, are largely made up of people from single-parent homes and/or dysfunctional family/community units–we are “sensitive about our shit” on so many levels. We are all too selective of the people we will allow to reprimand/praise/critique us because of the level of mistrust and sometimes disrespect we have for authority. Now consider this…if I have all or even some of the aforementioned issues, and I decide to enter the horrible (yes, I said it), yet beautiful institution that is the Black Church and choose to sit under a specific leader-I want them around! I mean, I believe that for many, especially those who choose to make their faith a pillar in their lifestyle, their spiritual leader is a very important figure in one’s life. Most people trust this person, are encouraged by their faith in action, and strive to live the standard set by God and reinforced by their Pastor. Why would anyone be interested in joining a Church where this person’s presence is not guaranteed?

As seen in the Ob.ama/Wri.ght issues earlier this year, Black people’s church affiliations are not something easily relinquished, or assumed for that matter. Much like other members of the Black community, I don’t take my membership-in any organization, especially not a church, lightly.

Having realized these things, I wonder if I’ve made the right decision. I’ve not joined, and I won’t, because I can’t be assured consistent leadership. But I wonder if even affiliating with a church is wrong if you don’t do it independent of the leader.